Catharsis.



[I wrote this about 3 weeks ago when I was feeling a bit sluggish about everything going on at the moment]

Catharsis.

The process of releasing repressed emotions.

But what if I don't know what I'm feeling?

I woke up today feeling oddly numb like I sometimes do.

I didn't really know what I was feeling but could sense that I was frustrated.

Frustrated with the world?

Frustrated with my current circumstance?

Frustrated with myself?

I couldn't tell you.

My body and my life feels the most stagnant at a time where it should be the most exciting.

A mix of struggling to adjust and struggling to accept.


I wish I could rewind to how it was before.


I mean, I know I'll be living life with much more purpose and fulfillment in the future,

But the question is

when will that be?

Uneasiness is stemming from the unknown.

After graduation, where do I go from there?

The past three years have flown by quicker than anyone said they would.

And if I'm being honest,

I haven't made the best out of that time.

Yes there have been a lot of positives, but there's been some memorable negatives too.

2018 in particular.

It probably wasn't as bad as I remember it to be,

but the overall consensus was that it was hard for me emotionally.

It did however, allow me to grow and really learn about myself, the people I want in my life and what's important to me.

[But that still leaves room for mistakes, failures and regrets of course]


2019 was like a rebirth of some sort.

The person I was in 2017, and the person I am now are completely different.

And as much as I have evolved, I do miss certain aspects of myself.

Past friendships, my free spirit, love for writing and even my eagerness to be proactive.


What happened to her?


All is not lost though.

Now I'm more outspoken and I guess more self-reflective.

I'm less heartbroken about friendships that are no longer dynamic, and above all I'm happier.

Maybe not right this second,

but holistically.


I haven't given up on 2020 yet.

I'd like to think that that there's exciting things in store for me so it'd be stupid to let a pandemic get in the way of that.


okay I'm logging off now.


stay safe.


-Alex